Get on your knees and tell me you love me!

We're here to help. In order to meet the needs of our growing customer base, CULT OF THE DEAD COW is now offering the following services. This list will be updated as we enter new and emerging business segments. Contact us for more info.

Motivational Speeches - $500/speech
Are your kids misbehaving? Do you have a troublemaker on your team at the office? Let your friends at the cDc whip them into shape!

Professional Dominatrix - beginning at $250/hr (2 hr minimum)
Speaking of whips, why not try out our discreet dominatrix service? The only thing about this service that can be beat is you!

Crime Scene Cleanup - variable rates
You've tried the rest, now try the best! Need to get rid of that odor? That bloodstain? No problem! Our professional cleaners are available whenever you need them, 24/7. We specialize in murder/suicide cleanup!

Team-Building Workshops - beginning at $500/session
Team not working together as well as you feel they should? Maybe you should try one of our award-winning team-building workshops! If you're not satisfied with the results, we'll throw in free cDc t-shirts for the whole team!

Asbestos Abatement - variable rates
No asbestosis for you! Our certified team of asbestos removal specialists are on call to help make your workplace or your home asbestos free!

Dog Training - $200/session
Tired of wet spots on the carpet? Contact us! We can help!

Commercial Driver License Training - $2500
Need that CDL? Why not get it from the cDc? This is a 5-week course.

Insemination/Sperm Donation - variable rates (starts at $50,000)
Do you want a child, but you can't find the right man? We're here to help. Try our insemination service (artificial or otherwise). A turkey baster is included in this fee.

Lamaze Courses - variable rates
Expecting? Want to be? It's never too early for a Lamaze course!

Election Strategy Consulting - variable rates (starts at $1.5M)
You'll win for sure. NO PROBLEM!!