Get on your knees and tell me you love me!

We're here to help. In order to meet the needs of our growing customer base, CULT OF THE DEAD COW is now offering the following services. This list will be updated as we enter new and emerging business segments. Contact us for more info.

Motivational Speeches

Price: $500/speech

Are your kids misbehaving? Do you have a troublemaker on your team at the office? Let your friends at the cDc whip them into shape!

Professional Dominatrix

Price: beginning at $250/hr (2 hr minimum)

Speaking of whips, why not try out our discreet dominatrix service? The only thing about this service that can be beat is you!

Crime Scene Cleanup

Price: variable (depends on the mess)

You've tried the rest, now try the best! Need to get rid of that odor? That bloodstain? No problem! Our professional cleaners are available whenever you need them, 24/7. We specialize in murder/suicide cleanup!

Team-Building Workshops

Price: variable (beginning at $500/session)

Team not working together as well as you feel they should? Maybe you should try one of our award-winning, team-building workshops! If you're not satisfied with the results, we'll throw in free cDc t-shirts for the whole team! YES!! Is that a deal or what?

Asbestos Abatement

Price: variable

No asbestosis for you! Our certified team of asbestos removal specialists are on call to help make your workplace or your home asbestos free!

Dog Training

Price: $200/session

Tired of wet spots on the carpet? Contact us! We can help! Rover will be so well-behaved you'll think we gave him a brain transplant. Maybe we did!

Commercial Driver License Training

Price: $2500

Need that CDL? Why not get it from the cDc? This is a 5-week course. Ask about our fleet discount!

Insemination/Sperm Donation

Price: variable (starting at $50,000/vial)

Do you want a child, but you can't find the right man? We're here to help. Try our insemination service (artificial or otherwise). A turkey baster is included with this fee.

Lamaze Courses

Price: variable

Expecting? Want to be? It's never too early for a Lamaze course! And nobody teaches 'em like the cDc!

Election Strategy Consulting

Price: variable (starts at $1.5M)

You'll win for sure. NO PROBLEM!!


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All of us in the cDc participate in this site. If you want to complain because this ain't teaching you how to be an 31337 hax0r, you can eat our collective ass. Thx!


RIP Tequila Willy

Tequila Willy
September 7, 1969 - May 25, 2015


December 29, 1951 - June 14, 2012

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